Divorce is a difficult experience for all involved, but it can be hardest on the children. Young children especially don’t usually have the coping skills to understand what’s going on, why their parents aren’t going to live together anymore and what life is going to look like moving forward. The more civil and friendly the parents can be during and after the divorce, the better it is for the children. One Canadian girl has gone viral after giving her parents advice on how to accomplish this.
The 6-year-old British Columbia girl was videotaped by her mother after she heard her divorced parents arguing. According to reports, she asked to talk to her mother after she heard the fight, and her mother recorded the conversation. In the video widely dispersed online, the girl can be seen telling her mother that she wants both her mother and her father “to be placed, be settled, and be friends.”
The girl continued, telling her mother that if the 6-year-old girl could be nice, both of her parents should be able to as well. She says, “I want you, Mom, my dad, everyone to be friends….If we live in a world where everyone’s being mean, everyone’s going to be a monster.” The girl’s mother responded to video, saying “I was stunned….She is teaching me.”
Divorces are by nature an adversarial process, but making a conscious effort to think about the other person and keep emotions out of the discussions can help immensely. For those interested in a positive divorce, mediation or arbitration may help.
Source: The Huffington Post Canada, “Little Girl’s Wish For Her Divorced Parents: ‘Be Friends’,” Rhianna Schmunk, Sep. 21, 2015
While mediation can be very helpful for some couples during the divorce or separation process, it can also be used again if there are any custody, visitation or even family dynamic issues later on that cause problems. All people and families grow and change over time. One common event that often creates challenges is when one parent decides to get remarried or move in with a new partner.
Even if their parents have been divorced for quite some time, it can still be a shock to children that their parent is moving on with another person. For many, it forces them to come to terms with the idea that their parents are not going to get back together. As children deal with this new reality and process these changes, they may act out or try to play one parent off of the other. They may also express a desire to live with the other parent. This can put things like custody and visitation schedules back in play.
It’s best if biological parents and stepparents can work together to enforce standards for how the children should treat the new partner. Since stepparents don’t have any relational authority over the children until the children have accepted their presence and built up some rapport, stepparents need to relegate their authority to that which the biological parent gives them and supports.
It’s important to understand that these transitions can take some time. However, if you find that there are ongoing issues that are bleeding into the custody and visitation aspects of your arrangement, a lawyer may be able to discuss your situation with you and offer some options, including another round of mediation.
Source: Focus on the Family, “The smart step-parent,” Ron L. Deal, accessed Oct. 09, 2015
For a child who has always had both parents in the same home, a divorce is a traumatic experience. Your child will go through a transition during this time. For some children, simply knowing that their parents don’t hate each other can go a long way towards making the transition easier. Any parents who are divorced might consider making a few changes in their co-parenting style to help their children cope with the new lifestyle.
Keeping all communication between you and your ex amicable can help your children. If you have any touchy subjects or topics that you think might cause a disagreement, it is best to discuss those when the children aren’t present. Just because there is still some tension or some hard feelings between you and your ex doesn’t mean the children have to know.
When you and your ex are having disagreements, make sure that you don’t put the children in the middle. You shouldn’t have the children play messenger because that often makes them feel like they have to choose one parent over the other. Plus, it can make them feel insecure and uncomfortable.
If it is possible for you and your ex to work together, consider creating a consistent environment for your child. You can work together to ensure that all major rules are the same at both homes. Some other minor rules might differ, but children thrive on consistency. The same is true for discipline, rewards and schedules.
Just because you and your ex couldn’t stand to live in the same home any longer doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t co-parent. In some cases, having a clear and detailed parenting plan might help to set the tone for the co-parenting relationship.
Source: HelpGuide.org, “Co-Parenting Tips for Divorced Parents,” accessed Oct. 29, 2015
When you are considering mediation for your divorce, it’s important to understand that this option can often be more challenging than it first appears. While mediation can help you avoid playing out your divorce over several months in the courts, both you and your soon-to-be-ex spouse have to understand that this is a collaborative process and approach it as such.
One of the most important aspects of mediation is how you approach communication. Mediation by definition involves a great deal of communication back and forth on how you are going to handle the various matters related to your divorce. In a time where there is often a great deal of emotional turmoil, keeping your conversations as neutral and civil as possible can be a challenge.
As you work through the terms of your divorce settlement, it can be helpful to keep in mind that many relationships break down due to issues in communication or the lack thereof. Try to avoid the temptation to approach your mediation with the same strategies and dialogues that were present in your relationship. Think about your ex as a business client with whom you are trying to make a deal.
When you are dealing with your ex in a mediation environment, our firm’s lawyers can be of great help in making sure that you are approaching the discussion as productively as possible and not bringing in emotions and issues from your relationship. If you and your ex can keep your mediation discussions to the point, you may be able to come to a settlement sooner than if you were to go through the courts and be ready to move on with your lives. Our professional experience and legal skills can help you achieve your goals in the split.
While mediation is not for every couple, many soon-to-be ex-spouses are capable of hashing out their custody arrangements and other matters. They realize that protracted court battles do more harm than good and cause high legal bills to be run up on both sides. That’s money that instead could be invested in their separate futures apart from one another.
Are there some couples for whom mediation is just not possible? Of course. Any time there are allegations of domestic abuse, mediation is not a good option. Neither is it when highly volatile couples have too much acrimony between them to reasonably discuss important matters.
But most divorces can be “saved” by mediation, at least on some of the issues. Perhaps you agree to come together and decide matters of child custody and visitation, but remain hung up on property division. That’s okay. The fewer issues that have to come before the court, the better. You can resolve some and still reserve others for litigation.
At West Coast ADR Law Group, we believe in presenting all of the options to our clients. We have experienced mediators and litigators who can work together with you to see that you get the best deal possible when you divorce your spouse. We will never encourage our clients to run up exorbitant legal bills litigating matters they could easily resolve through a few mediation sessions.
The holiday season can be very tough on divorced parents, both custodial and noncustodial alike. If you’re newly divorced, you may be wondering which of your old family traditions to keep and which you could start as your own. If you’ve been divorced for some time, you may already be dreading the seasonal shuffle of having to share holidays and keep track of the parenting schedule. However, no matter how long it’s been since you’ve signed your final paperwork, the holidays are bound to come with some challenges.
One of the most important things you can do during this season is keep communication open between you and your children and your ex, if possible. Take some time before the holidays begin and talk with your children about their fears and what’s important to them. Continue to check in periodically. Divorced parents are often surprised at what their children really want or need out of the holiday season, and a great deal of stress can be avoided by making expectations and goals clear from the start.
As difficult as it may be, it’s almost important for you to be positive about your children spending time with your ex. It’s hard to be separated from your children during this time of family celebrations, but acting disappointed or put out when it’s time for your children to visit with your ex just makes the situation more stressful for all involved.
It can also be a good idea to take some time to reflect after the holidays are over as well. Think about what worked and what didn’t or any situations that were particularly stressful. Consider making a plan with your ex — and even getting it put into the official court order — for how you will handle these aspects differently next year.
Source: Huffington Post Canada, “15 Tips for Managing a Divorce Over Christmas,” Alyson Jones, accessed Dec. 17, 2015
When it comes to divorce or dealing with child custody issues, many people think that going to trial in the family courts is the only option. However, both mediation and arbitration may be viable options depending on your situation. Each of these has its own set of pros and cons, and it’s important to understand the differences in the process for each.
Mediation gives you and your ex the most control over the divorce process, and it also usually takes the least amount of time for everything to be settled and finalized. In a mediation, there is at least one premediation meeting and at least one actual mediation meeting. If everything has been agreed upon at the mediation meeting, things can be finalized right away. Even in the case where you need more than one mediation meeting, this is usually a fairly quick process.
Arbitration is similar to mediation, with a preabritration meeting, prehearing meeting and then the actual arbitration. However, once everything has been presented, it can take 60 to 90 days to get a final decision. Unlike in a trial, decisions made in an arbitration are not eligible for appeal, so this is important to note.
A trial is what most people are familiar with and consists of many conferences, hearings, motions and time for things like the discovery of evidence, subpoenas and appointing a guardian ad litem. This process is also the longer of the three, taking upwards of three months and sometimes even years to reach a finalized court order. Which of these is the best option for you largely depends on your specific set of circumstances. Talking with one of our attorneys can help you learn more.
While a divorce or separation can certainly make it harder for grandparents to see their grandchildren on a regular basis, particularly in the case of grandparents on the noncustodial side, parents are still usually responsible for setting up these visits. In some situations, however, grandparents may wish to see the children more often or set up a specific visitation time schedule through the courts.
The best course of action if you are a grandparent who wants to see your grandchildren more often but the end of the parents’ relationship has made that impossible or more difficult is to talk with the parents. It may be easier to start with your son or daughter, but you will likely end up having to have a discussion with both of the child’s parents. If an informal meeting does not lead to a satisfactory outcome, the next step would be formal mediation.
Many situations can be resolved through mediation. When a neutral third party steps into the matter, it often helps both sides reconsider how they may be able to compromise or work together. If an agreement is reached through mediation, this can then be put forward to the courts for the final approval. If mediation does not help, however, it may be time to take the case to the family courts.
Before taking any legal action at all, it’s important to talk with a lawyer who is familiar with the family law guidelines and how they apply to grandparents’ rights in British Columbia. This allows you to get as much information as possible and an opportunity to get your questions answered.
Source: Family Law in British Columbia, “Children’s right to time with grandparents,” accessed Jan. 22, 2016
Many British Columbia couples find mediation an attractive alternative to divorce because it gives them more control over the situation and is a less adversarial process. However, despite everyone’s best intentions, not all meditation attempts actually result in an agreement. It’s important to understand what happens in the event that you are unsatisfied with a mediation attempt so you are prepared for the next step.
If you are not satisfied with the way the mediation is going while you are still in process, don’t give up hope. It’s common for these situations to go through a couple of bumps before an agreement is reached. Take a step back and honestly evaluate whether you are coming into the mediation with an attitude of cooperation and are prepared to make concessions. Both parties must be willing to work together for a successful mediation.
If you find that you just cannot reach an agreement, you are free to end the mediation at any time. You cannot be legally forced to continue a meditation. However, it’s important to be aware that the alternative is to take the case to trial, so make sure you really cannot reach an agreement before deciding to back out.
In some cases, a party may be unsatisfied with the arrangement after the mediation agreement has already been filed and turned into a court order. In these cases, there may be very little you can do unless it is a matter related to child custody or visitation and the child’s circumstances have changed significantly since the mediation. It’s best to talk to a lawyer about your options in these cases.
Source: British Columbia Ministry of Justice, “Ministry of Justice Guide to Mediation in BC,” accessed Feb. 12, 2016
The divorce mediation process is focused on you and your spouse. The mediator simply helps you work together to find a solution that you’re both happy with so that you don’t have to let a judge make all of the important decisions. Below are a few tips that can help make this process successful.
- Always work hard to be respectful and civil.
- Prepare in advance, perhaps by putting together a list of things that are important to you, ensuring that nothing is overlooked.
- Don’t hand out ultimatums, but be ready for an open discussion where both parties can talk and where compromises are a real possibility.
- Hand over all of the documentation that’s needed regarding the assets you have, and don’t hide anything.
- Be open to creative ideas. It may be hard to find solutions that work, but you have the best chance of finding them if you’re flexible and willing to think outside of the box.
- Try not to make emotional decisions. The mediator can help with this, but both you and your spouse have to do your best to keep emotions out of the discussion.
- When dividing assets, start by telling each other what you want the most. You may find that there are easy starting points, with items you badly want and that your spouse has no interest in. Dividing these first helps to simplify and shorten the process so that you can then work on the items you both desire.
It’s important to have the right mindset and goals when going into mediation in British Columbia, and these tips can help you get the results that you’re after.
Source: Breakup Care Package, “12 Tips to Prepare for Divorce Mediation,” Beth Hemmila, accessed Feb. 19, 2016
